It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
