She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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