Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
