so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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