I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
