I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
where are my eyebrows?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
