wakey wakey hands off snakey
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
