mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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