you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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