you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
