Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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