does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
