I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
