Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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