i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
God I need to hump something, right now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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