I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
