Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
