Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
