I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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