Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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