We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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