glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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