Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Shame is for Republicans.
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