That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
