Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
