Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
