yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
