i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
