I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sober January is a disaster.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
