i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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