How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
