She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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