Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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