my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
