at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
