Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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