I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
