does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Randomize
