I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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