Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
