It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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