just come out here and I will go home with you...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
