well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
