Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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