She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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