I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
