Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
