Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
