Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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