Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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